Santa Kirk
by Andra-ggfan
Summary: 'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the Hollow, no creature was... no wait, Kirk was there. No Revival Spoilers, just some Christmas merriment. Happy Christmas, everyone!


**A/N: My lovely husband, who puts up with far too much fanfiction talk from me, has been requesting this story for a few years and I finally got around to writing it. Hope you all enjoy it and have a very Merry Christmas and a great New Year!**

* * *

Once upon a time, in a town far, far away (unless you live in Connecticut, in which case, it's in a land quite close by), lived a man named Kirk. Kirk was a kindly man and really loved Christmas. One Christmas Eve he decided to do something extra special for all of the children of the town.

[Cut to the Dragonfly Inn library]

* * *

"Gah!" Lorelai grumbled in frustration, throwing the fireplace lighter to the floor. "Stupid piece of crap!" She kicked it, then waved her hands towards it when it stopped less than a foot away. "Great, lack of sporting skills means I can't enact destruction."

"Are you talking to yourself again?" Michel popped up behind her.

"Ah!" She clutched her chest in melodramatic surprise. "You're not in my will, Michel, you cannot get anything from my early demise."

"None of your gaudy knick-knacks? Oh, however will I live." He rolled his eyes.

"Just for that, I will write a will and leave you everything in it. With some non-throwing out clause." She bent down and picked up the lighter again. "I assume you wanted something?" She started trying to light the fireplace in the Dragonfly's library again.

"I wouldn't do that."

"What?"

"Light that fire."

"Why not?" She straightened up again, lighter in hand. "Did Leonardo DiCaprio decide fireplaces are the cause of global warming and we're all going to either burn or freeze to death in twenty years' time?"

"Kirk is stuck in the chimney."

Lorelai stopped for a moment, stunned, then held her hand up. "Say that again, because I'm pretty sure I heard you say Kirk is…"

"... stuck in our chimney."

"And you thought it would be hilarious to let me babble about global warming?" She threw the lighter again, grabbing her coat from the back of a chair and starting to run towards the front door. "Go…"

"I have sent staff up to each of the guest rooms to put out the fires."

"Oh. Have you…"

"Called the fire brigade? Yes. The truck is in the shop this weekend, they can send someone from Woodbury, but it will take a couple of hours because the roads are bad."

"Well that makes me feel better about my chances of surviving a fire." She sighed, the initial panic abated. "Call Luke, tell him to come over immediately. Do we have a ladder?"

"No."

"Ok, tell him to bring a ladder too. What would we do if the roof collapsed?"

"Hire someone qualified to fix it?" Michel suggested. Lorelai stopped paying attention though, standing outside the inn, trying to get her coat on, her mouth slightly ajar.

"Kirk!" She called to the man in the chimney.

"Hi!" He yelled back. "Nice day."

"What are you doing up there?" She asked, wrapping her arms around herself. "Can you get out?"

"My pillow is stuck."

"Your what?"

"My pillow!"

Lorelai glanced at Michel, who gave her a disinterested look in response. "Go call Luke." She reminded him before turning back to Kirk. "What pillow, Kirk?"

"For my stomach!"

Lorelai took a deep breath, pushing her hair back behind her ears to help with her frustration. "Why do you have a stomach pillow?"

"For my Santa suit!" Kirk shouted back again. "I'm doing a practice run!"

"Kirk, start from the beginning!" She asked him again, glancing over at Michel to see him on the phone.

"I was going to come in through the chimney during Christmas lunch dressed as Santa Claus. I practiced it the other day and it went fine. You see, this chimney connects straight to the library and all the fireplaces from the rooms connect to it. If I slide down carefully with these hooks I bought online, I can make it all the way down without injuring myself."

"So you're saying you broke into the inn a couple of days ago?"

"No, I stopped and came back up. The fire was lit downstairs. I was going to ask Lulu to make sure you didn't light it."

"Does the smoke from the rooms not bother you?" She asked, more and more aware of the absurdity of the situation.

"I have an oxygen mask in the bag."

"Is that safe? You don't have anything that will explode in there, right?"

"The website said it's to use if you're in a fire. Don't worry, I was going to take it off so I don't scare anyone before I landed."

"Yes, that's my concern." She mumbled under her breath.

"Five minutes." Michel told her as he hung up the phone. "And riveting as all of your yelling is, my suit wasn't made for this weather." He left again, leaving Lorelai standing outside the inn, looking up at the roof.

"So what went wrong today?" Lorelai called again to Kirk.

"I was showing Lulu my costume last night – she has a thing for Santa Claus – and then I couldn't get through the door to go see mother because it's too big, so I wanted to see if I could still fit in here. I don't."

"Yeah, I got that. Can you not slide out of the suit?"

"I can't move my arms."

"Why?" She held back a sigh.

"I tried to undo the straps that hold the pillow in place when I first got stuck and my arms are twisted around my back now. I'm losing feeling in the right one."

"Hurry up, Luke." She mumbled under her breath. "Just hold on for a while longer, Luke's on his way to help you."

"Ok." He yelled back.

"Oh my god!" Sookie exclaimed, walking outside. "Kirk's stuck in our chimney."

"Yes. Kirk is stuck in our chimney."

"I thought Michel…"

"Yeah. So did I."

"Are we doing something about this?"

"Other than gathering a crowd?" She whispered, noticing a couple of the guests had started coming outside to see what the commotion was all about. "I've called Luke." She turned back to the guests, putting on her most winning smile. "Nothing to worry about, folks, it's being handled, can I please ask you to stay inside?" She asked them, then turned back to Sookie, as soon as they'd gone inside. "Tell Michel to make sure no one else comes out here. I'll be…" she gesticulated in Kirk's direction.

"On my way!" Sookie announced, rushing back inside the inn.

"How's your arm, Kirk?"

"Can't really feel my fingers."

"Luke will be here any minute!" She tried to reassure him, checking her wristwatch at the same time. Less than ten minutes later, Rory's car pulled outside the inn and she and Jess got out of it.

"He really is stuck!" Rory said, looking up at the roof. "I told you Luke wouldn't joke about something like that!"

"I didn't say Luke would, I said your mother would," Jess replied.

"Hey!" Lorelai protested. "There are lines not even I would cross. Thin, thin lines, but still, they're lines. Where's Luke and what are you doing here?"

"He stopped to borrow a ladder from Jackson," Rory filled her in. "Told Jess to come and help. I'm just here to see if it's actually true."

"It is actually true." Lorelai shrugged. "He's nearly here, Kirk, hang in there!"

"Ok." Kirk called back in response.

"Do I want to know?" Rory asked, her hand wrapped around Jess'. "What is he even doing there? The rest of this story didn't get to us."

"He was going to be Santa Claus and forgot he's Kirk and things always go wrong when he's involved."

"Sounds about right." Rory looked up at the roof, then over at Jess. "Are you sure you should climb up there with Luke? It looks dangerous."

"Hey, I'm all of the opinion we should call the fire brigade or someone."

"The truck is in the shop, Woodbury roads are bad." Lorelai went over it. "And it's going to be fine. I think. I mean Kirk made it all the way up to the chimney, so… wait!" She realized something. "Kirk, how did you get up there?"

"I climbed from the bannister and then held onto the siding. Parkour is a hobby of mine."

"And raise your hands if you can think of a remotely less safe hobby for Kirk." Lorelai mumbled.

"Deep sea diving." Jess replied.

"Fire breathing." Rory added.

"Lion taming."

"Fire breathing while lion taming?"

"Well none of those would have gotten him stuck in my chimney!"

"The fire could have set the inn on fire." Rory pointed out. "Not to mention the lions, they would definitely be worse than the current situation."

"Go away." Lorelai grumbled. "Or at least go inside and get someone to bring me coffee. This is not the sort of situation I can deal with on three cups."

"You had three cups just at Luke's this morning." Jess said.

"You know what? I hope you fall off the roof."

"Hey!" Rory protested. "Just for that, I'm getting you decaf." Two minutes later, she reappeared from inside the inn, holding two cups in her hands. She handed her mother one, keeping the second for herself. "Luke's here." She looked at the truck pulling in next to her car. "And it looks like he found a ladder."

"Damn it." Jess mumbled.

"I cannot believe this." Luke said as he got out of the car, joining the other three standing outside. "I thought you were kidding."

"And yet you still went and borrowed a ladder? Aww." Lorelai gushed. "Can you get him out?"

"I can try. Jess, come give me a hand." He started back towards the truck.

"If I break a leg, I'm suing." Jess told Lorelai before going to help his uncle.

Lorelai and Rory stood watching them as they moved the ladder to the building, setting it down next to the staircase.

"Mind the…" she started, looking at their bushes. "Kirk's more important than the landscaping, right? Remind me he is, because I am really not feeling the love right now."

"Not having a dead body stuck in your chimney is more important anyway." Rory sipped some of her coffee. "Ok, tell me the whole story."

"He's apparently been practicing this..." Lorelai started.

It took them less than ten minutes before they were up on the roof, balancing precariously next to the chimney. "You think we should have figured out the best way to do this before we got up here?" Jess asked.

"We needed to assess from up close."

"You could have assessed, I could have been down there."

"You're up here now," Luke told him. "See if you can get closer and see what's happening."

"Oh, great, so now I'm doing this." Jess replied, grumbling again, but still moved closer to the chimney, taking small steps. "Don't move." He told Kirk, then peered around him. "I can't see anything."

"My right hand's stuck behind my back and my left under my pillow."

"Why?"

"I was trying to release my left hand."

"Of course." Luke said. "Right, Jess, see if you can grab his left arm, I'll take this side."

Jess made a face, then put his hand on Kirk's shoulder. He wiggled it around for a few seconds, before shaking his head in defeat. "Can't fit."

"Me neither."

"Should we just try grabbing his shoulders?"

"I have very fragile joints!"

"I don't care." Luke told him, trying to get as good a hold of the man as he could. On the other side, Jess did the same. "On three?"

"Whatever."

"One, two, three!" They pulled for a few seconds before stopping in defeat. "This is…"

"... stupid and I'm going to fall off, so you better think of something else." Jess said.

"How about if we cut the straps off? Where are they?" Luke asked Kirk.

"This was a very expensive costume, Luke, you can't…"

"Shut up." Luke practically barked at him. "Jess, if I hand you a pocket knife, can you get the straps and see if it works?"

"He's not getting anywhere near me with a knife!" Kirk protested.

"Shut. Up." Jess told him this time, holding his hand out for the knife.

"Why is Jess trying to stab Kirk?" Lorelai asked Rory, drinking some of the coffee. "And see, I knew you loved me. You didn't get me decaf."

"That's not love for you, it's love for coffee. I couldn't deal with that abomination."

"You looove me." Lorelai replied in a sing song voice, wrapping her left arm over her daughter's shoulders.

Back on the roof: "Kirk, stand still!" Jess told him as the man dodged him again. "I will end up stabbing you."

"This suit cost a fortune!"

"You know what's also really expensive? Funerals." Luke said. "I will hold you down if you don't stop."

"Can you at least chip in to cover a new…"

"No." The other two men replied in unison.

"Straps?" Jess asked.

"Shoulders, it's attached with suspenders."

Jess grabbed a handful of fabric and carefully slid the knife into it, cutting a gash through it until he could see both straps. Then pulled the first one away from Kirk and cut it away before doing the same on the other side. "Any change, Kirk?"

"No." The man shook his head, wiggling around to prove that he was still stuck.

Jess looked at his uncle with a 'what now' look on his face.

"Let's try pulling the pillow away. You hold Kirk."

"No way."

"Fine, you try releasing the pillow, I'll hold him." He rolled his eyes. Then grabbed Kirk's shoulders as well as their precarious position allowed him. "Ready."

Jess undid the top buttons on Kirk's Santa coat. He grabbed the straps and pulled the pillow up gently, feeling the man move away as he did so. Luke's grasp tightened as Kirk started to slide away from them.

"Help! Help!" Kirk yelled, flailing and kicking his feet. "My arms!" He yelled again before he managed to move them up and Luke moved to hold him under his armpits. In one swift move, Jess threw the pillow down and grabbed Kirk from the other side. "I can't feel…"

"Shut up!" They told him again, sharing a look over his shoulders. They pulled him up, until he was bent at the waist over the edge of the chimney, then stopped, Luke keeping a safe hand grabbed around Kirk's shirt. "How the hell do we get him out of here without him falling out?"

"Just let him, there's a pillow down there now."

"Hey!" Kirk protested. "I can kick my way out if one of you holds my head."

"You can kick your way out on your own." Luke said. "Can you feel all your limbs again?"

"I think so."

"See you when you get down." Jess smirked, taking a few steps back towards the ladder. Luke joined him and they both watched as Kirk scrambled his way out of the chimney. As soon as they made sure he was safe, they started down the ladder.

"My hero!" Lorelai gushed as soon as Luke reached her, giving him a hug. "I hope the real Santa's bringing you some tights and a cape because baby, you've earned them."

"No problem." Luke smiled, then kissed her quickly. "Can I kill him when he gets down?"

"Don't be silly, Jess still has your knife."

"I can beat him to death?" he suggested.

"I'll consider it." Lorelai chuckled. "You get tights too." She told Jess as he got down.

"I hope not." He smirked.

"Kirk?!" Lorelai looked up at the man, who was standing on the roof's edge, looking at the ladder.

"I'm scared of ladders!" He called back.

"Ok, you can kill him now," she told Luke. "Just get down here already!" She yelled back at Kirk and he started going down the ladder slowly with his eyes closed.

"If he falls now, it's legit, right?" Lorelai asked.

"You can bring guests in and out through the kitchen," Rory reassured her.

A few moments later, Kirk joined the four them, looking down at his Santa shirt, now in his hands. "Maybe I can sew it back…"

"Whatever you do, stay away from my chimney."

"Any chimney." Rory added.

"By the way, Lorelai…?" Kirk started. "I noticed your gutters are clogged, can I leave you my business card? I'll give you a discount."

* * *

And they all lived happily ever after. Even Kirk.


End file.
